The Polar Express

I have not seen the movie, but since it's a kid's film, there must be a video game for it. Despite liking Tom Hanks, the movie's trailers have not lured me into the theater just yet. Maybe on video. In the meantime, I have been playing Polar Express for the Game Boy Advance. In Polar Express, you are a youngster that must complete totally unexciting tasks along a moving train that's headed towards the North Pole. There is riveting (non oral) narrative and instructions to lead your way into each challenge. The ultimate goal: Stay "with it" long enough to make it through the game without throwing it in the snow. Seriously, this (mostly) side-action scroller has been made a million times before, only usually much more interesting.

To complete the missions, you collect jingle "balls", candy canes and other such fantastic goodies. Some are optional, but some are mandatory to advance to the next level. You can jump, crawl and move wooden crates to accomplish the feats. Sometimes, there is a minor bit of thrill and feeling of fun, but mostly the actions are tired, futile and unrewarding. 

There are magical steamer trunks (seriously, they glow and magical sparks fly out of them!) that give you anything from agonizing pogo sticks to amazing socks. Yes, socks!!!! The dang pogo sticks are not always a necessity, but in some cases, you must bounce on the stupid thing and use it to retrieve an object or get somewhere, physically. The sticks are darn hard to use, and just plain silly. It takes some serious thumb-working and button mashing to get anywhere. Then, once you're done with it-- you can toss it away and cheer. But, if you make one tiny error in using it, it will run off on its own and you have to return to the trunk and get another one. That happened way too often for my liking.

While most of the action takes place within the train, some of it does not. There is an amazingly horrible sequence on TOP of the train in which you must duck or jump until you reach your goal. The train moves fast, and the controls are shoddy. The response is totally unpredictable. One button push makes you jump quick, then in a few seconds, you can push it again and it acts as if there is a "delay" built in. That results in taking on damage. Take a few such hits in any level and you must start over. Sometimes, all the way back to the beginning of the level-- depending on if you have hit a "Save" point or not. They can be missed, or not there at all. Look for the steaming cups of hot cocoa that float around here and there. They give you a boost and regenerate some lost energy. There are not enough of those in some sequences. C'mon, folks... make it fair, at least! 

The sound is sublime and non-eventful. It's OK with some headphones on, but the quality and originality is weak. Grunts, silly generic music and awful train sounds make you look for the "down volume" control, quickly.

The graphics are the strongest part of the game. I guess it was not too difficult to accomplish since the game is based on a (computer) animated movie, so actual humans did not have to be reproduced. It looks nice, but looks aren't everything, and not enough to save this from being a let-down.

I honestly do wish film companies did not "need" to create games for every kids title they release in theaters. If they must, then they need to take it more seriously, and put work on it-- instead of retooling a tired genre and stamping a name-brand on it. That's all this is. "Fill-in-the-blank" video game making at its best/worst. Someone should not only NOT get a trip to Santa's home for this, but also deserves a lump of coal in their stocking. My only hope is that it is done much better on other platforms (see other reviews on Gamezone to find that answer!). 

Gameplay: 4.5
Imagine a tired, worn out side-scrolling game crammed into a tiny-capacity platform like the Game Boy. Now, take away most of the fun, and this is how it plays. There are a few redeeming features, but they are too rare. It starts out OK, and you feel like there's going to be something unique, here. But, before the first level is complete, you realize you've played it before. 

Graphics: 6.5 
Making graphics from an animated movie is much easier than other scenarios, but it still takes work. The game looks as good as it is BAD to play. It's good eye candy for the most part, but even some of that gloss is lost in crucial areas. It shouldn't be so hard to identify critical pieces of the game. The bells don't look much like bells. Being that collecting them is the object of the game--- that's kind of a bad thing!!! 

Sound: 4
The music is generic, mall-music without the ability to jump into a music store for relief. What you hear is what you get-- and you get it bad. Trains, apparently, make no other noise except the "clack" of the tracks. Silent running. Amazing!

Difficulty: Medium
For the most part, it's easy. The objectives are clear and spelled out (literally) for you. Some of the motions are horribly wrong, but when they do work fine for most of the game. I found the "on top of the train" sequence to be way too hard and unpredictable. Moving with the pogo stick is a joke, but using it does not usually last long. Use it-- then toss it quickly and move on.  

Concept: 4.0 
There's no concept at all. Zero. However, there is enough puzzle-solving and hopping around to see that some thought went into the design. The execution of the ideas was bad, but the thought counts-- a little. The movie is about a secret train-ride to the North Pole. The game is about making a game to capitalize on a movie. Original concept?

Overall: 4.5
I not only disliked this game, but found it very difficult to play. Not because it was hard to figure out the puzzles or move around, but because it had no fun to it. It started out good, and if the review was based on my first five minutes of play, I would have scored it through the roof. But, it quickly swerved into the listless zone of "Oh, I played this before... and it was bad then, too". It really is too much to ask for them to not feel compelled to churn out meaningless games for the sake of rising the money train, but I do not comprehend a room full of people playing this and (with honesty!) declaring this is a fun game, and people will love it! Skip this train and maybe walk to the Pole, instead. There's nothing here to ride. The game has left the station-- only to be derailed by tired action, no imagination and sloppy design. Someone had better call the Dept of Transportation and file a complaint.